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Weekly Bluster-Interview with God #4-Mature Single woman-Alone and Ill..

Weekly Bluster-Conversation with God-Interview #4-

The Single Mature Lady-Critically ill and Alone.”

{God} Hmm..You are—quiet. Reflective. Subdued.

{Pamela}. Oh, yeah? It’s THAT noticeable? Yes. I suppose I am not my usual chipper, corny and crazy self. Please forgive me if I don’t …banter ..today, God.

{God} I’ll have you know I watched you over the weekend, tending to your man-friend in his medical emergency. You did that for sooo many years with your husband, Sonny. His heart and all. Did this event with Paul upset you? Remind you?

{Pamela}Wellll. Strangely enough, God, it didn’t upset me as far as the care of one I cared for. I wasn’t upset when I was with Paul. Just concerned for him. I felt all the compassionate and sympathetic emotions I had with my husband Sonny those hundreds of times he was so critically ill with a sick heart, dying. For all those years. Over and over again from year two of our 26 years coupling before he finally DID pass so calmly one day. Did it remind me? Yes. It reminded me of MY vulnerability. BIG TIME!! I do think of it off and on but, MAN!! This REALLY smacked me in the face, God.

{God} In what way, Pammy? Tell Me. Inquiring Mind and all.

{Pamela} Like I say, I think about it. And, yes, with a certain sense of urgency that no one who has a partner would or could understand but….. This weekend? Going to someone’s aid? It REALLY brought it rushing right in.

{God} Go on, My child.

{Pamela} How do I pin it down in a few words? How do I express how, yes, childlike I feel some days when I know full well I am in a situation here? I know that without a partner to love and cherish me, to ‘watch my back’ so to speak, to care about my movements each day and, hell, my next BREATH, I am in a certain “category of risk.”

How do I explain my fear? How do I face the fact that if I ever fell in my home and broke something, cut myself badly, had another heart attack….I could literally lie there and…die? And no one would know. Could be days lying there before the end. Then days—dead and gone. I often GO days and weeks without touching another soul! At least a soul who would notice my absence. In winter, for sure I do.

It is terrifying. Just plain old..terrifying. And that is over and ABOVE the daily sadness I suffer. The loss of a family to nurture and love. A thing I miss like air.

I wonder. Do other Single, dating women feel this? Do they add that to their agenda and list of must-haves and deal-breakers when considering who they date? Do they make priorities, as I do, in sifting and sorting and making choices in who to add to their dance card in the potentials? Do other Single, dating women of an age have to work so HARD to find the man who thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread?? Am I being-weak-in this fear of aloneness? Of helplessness? Without love? Am I over-reacting? Being weepy? Immature? Am I dwelling, God?

{God} Weak?? Weepy?? Not at all, My Pammy. As a matter of fact, there are as many men as wo-men who, when they allow the thought in…’”dwell’ on this. It IS an issue. It IS a possibility. It DOES happen. The question is-what are you going to do about it?

{Pamela} Oh, God. I HATE to add this to my quest. Find a man to ‘’be there.” Check! But—it is what it is.

And..after this weekend of going to my sweet Pauly, to help him cope with his immediate disability, I had to face it.

IF I ever needed critical care in my home, like my man-friend surely did….there IS no one I could ask or even expect to drop their OWN life and come to me—and stay with me until I passed the crisis.

That is a PARTNER job. It is part and parcel of the commitment to love.

SOOOO. What am I going to do?

FOCUS.

Have intent.

Make finding that soul my JOB!!!

If I have to date 20 gentle men to find that one precious nugget—I shall. (Smile)

It is ON, GOD! Life as a Single will be no more…before Snow Flies. YES!

It is ONWARDS in Pammyland..

For my—self. And for—his. Whoever ‘his’ is.

Onwards…

{God} I see him. He awaits you. All you must do now..is find him..

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